The Beard Bible

Silence!  Beard Gods Are Speaking.

At long last, I bestow upon you hapless wretches the official Beard Bible.  This guide will provide you with all of the information you need to grow and maintain a luxuriously profound beard, as well as some supplemental info about beard growth and the associated lifestyle.  Beard season is never over.  Moses grew a very serious beard and still led his people to sweet, sweet freedom through the deserts of Egypt, parting seas and burning bush and what-not, so don’t be a sissy.  You can rock a beard in the heat with proper care and maintenance.

On a Black man, the beard is more than a cover-up for razor bumps…it is a statement.  We don’t have to be clean-shaven and softshoeing in order to operate in the white man’s world.  You must behold the beard and accept our dominance with the same deference shown to the Vikings or the extra strong dude from Superman 2.  You think twice about going toe to toe with a man with a beard.  The very hair growing from his face defies every contemporary American standard saying that in order to be a professional or to be trustworthy, you have to be clean-shaven.  There will never be another bearded president, for example.  Recent years are showing the beard coming back into popularity, though, with the likes of Rick Ross and Zach Galifianakis bringing the full, obnoxious Dan Haggerty beards back into prominence, bearded brethren everywhere are letting their facial hair flourish.

Stalley.

The Struggle

And now for an enlightening passage from Brother @NerdAtCoolTable on the necessary inspiration for natural beard growth:

The only way to have a real respectable beard is to have been through struggle.  This beard didn’t just appear.  I been through high school stress, relationship stress, parenthood stress,  scuffles, robberies and shootings.  You can look at a beard and tell instantly if it’s struggle-inspired. Cats wit the wavy, curly, pretty beard…never been through anything.  Dudes with the scruffy beard..that “you need to comb that” beard…earned it.

Grooming

You can’t just grow hair up out your face all willy-nilly, dawg.  Just like the hair on your head, you have to actually care for the hair on your face, specifically if you’re a Black man trying to grow a healthy beard. Put some time and effort into cleaning and maintaing your beard.  The same things a wise dude uses to keep the hair on his head in good condition are some of the same things a wise dude needs for his beard: shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer.  It’s important to be more conscious of what you put on your beard, though, as it is still your face.  If you’re one of those dudes that uses body soap on your face, you just need to stop and go get you some products.  There’s no shame in it and it’ll help you avoid looking 40 at 30.  But first things first, there’s no reason your beard should feel like a bunch of copper wiring.  Trust that she doesn’t wanna feel that on her body.

  • Clean – Every couple of days (shampooing every day will dry out the natural oils), lather up with some baby shampoo and if you have any conditioner for sensitive skin, that too.
  • Moisturize – Tea tree oil is great for hair, skin, and doesn’t leave buildup.  Massage the stuff into your beard down to the roots, then comb it out to the ends.  Wifey will appreciate it later on when she’s running her hands through it, trust.

Beard Trouble

Everybody wasn’t blessed with genes that allow them to grow a full beard.  Some can’t grow any at all and some opt for the 6 scraggly hairs on the chin a la T.I. — stop that.  I guarantee had he not wifed up Tiny, his beard would have been prospered.  It’s been scientifically proven that the quality of woman you’re with has a direct correlation to beard growth quality.  It’s also hereditary, but I digress.

  • Can’t grow a beard – Keep shaving anyway.  This should be done frequently.  Shaving stimulates what’s there.  It took me ’til about 23 or 24 to grow a full beard pattern, as in sideburns connecting to my goatee.  What changed was that I got into a semi-regular shaving regimen, having a barber take care of what I couldn’t at home.  Before I knew it, I was bearded, bro.  Invincibility was achieved.
  • Patchy beards – If your facial hair resembles Pangaea, just start from scratch.  Shave it low and keep up a shaving routine until you start to see it even out.  Remember, some people won’t be able to grow the fully, so you may need to opt for a chinstrap or a goatee.  No shame in that…still in the family.
  • Razor bumps – There are a number of depilatory products like Magic Shave (smells like brimstone and despair), but I think a lot of guys just don’t use the right products.  The Art of Shaving or The Grooming Lounge are great spots for good men’s shaving items: pre-shave, shaving cream, after-shave lotion, etc.  Professional shaves are great as well, but if you’re a hands-on guy, you may want to learn how to use a straightrazor yourself.  Plastic disposable razors are made for the majority of hair (read: white me n’s hair) and isn’t designed for Black men’s hair, which grows hooked under the skin, causing irritation when pulled out at the wrong angle or without the proper chemicals to loosen the hair first.    Always use a hot cloth on your face prior to shaving (or a hot shower) to open up your pores and splash with cold water afterward to tighten them up.
  • Front-Free Beard Tip: Once I got serious about growing my beard, I stumbled upon a great product intended for regular hair which really worked to increase growth.  Go get this:

My Personal Grooming Setup

Womenfolk On Beards

If you’ve been reading this beardless, you may not care about any of this…or you’re just being a little bitch about the situation and frontin’ like you don’t.  Your girlfriend/wife cares, though.  There’s a lot to be said for a man willing to let his beard grow, not to mention keeping it maintained.  It shows an attention to detail coupled with a boldness no woman in her right mind can deny.  In a nutshell, beards drop drawls, dawg. Just read what the ladies have to say.

There’s just something about face-fur that is simply luscious.  Yours could actually use a trim…

– The Mrs.

Honestly, beards are the new Colt 45.  They work every time.

– @BitchUJusMad

I have several guilty pleasures in life. I drink far too much wine, laugh when babies fall, cuss when its not even fucking neccessary. But nothing compares to the feeling I get when I see a lush, full, impeccably trimmed beard on a sexy man. Especially if it frames a delicious set of lips.
Something about the visual just screams “Have a seat here!” “Enjoy the ride!”…well, don’t mind if I do. It doesn’t matter where I am; work, book club, church (Lord forgive me). Just a glimpse of a full beard presses play on the naughty thoughts in my mind.

– @MsCarlaIfUNasty

I love beards. Well-groomed, clean cut beards & goatees. It’s not an accessory to a man, it’s a statement. Not that the beard doesn’t make the man attractive it just makes him stand out more to me. Salute to the men who keep it up.

– @Sumayalina

A well-maintained beard takes time & effort, which is endearing. The beard is mysterious & just visually appealing.

– @SheBAWSE

Beards are masculine. They are a throwback to Grizzly Adams hunter-gatherer types. I only expect my lady 2 have a baby face…

– @moniquealicia

Beards are so manly. It’s like they show how much testosterone a man has or somethin. Plus my daddy has a beard.

– @Amazing_Aura

The way it feels when my bf’s beard hits that spot on my neck>>>>>the rapture

– @HnySuklChocolat

We’re just winnin’.  Check out The Beard Bible for all things beardly.

Welp.

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