The Beard Bible

Silence!  Beard Gods Are Speaking.

At long last, I bestow upon you hapless wretches the official Beard Bible.  This guide will provide you with all of the information you need to grow and maintain a luxuriously profound beard, as well as some supplemental info about beard growth and the associated lifestyle.  Beard season is never over.  Moses grew a very serious beard and still led his people to sweet, sweet freedom through the deserts of Egypt, parting seas and burning bush and what-not, so don’t be a sissy.  You can rock a beard in the heat with proper care and maintenance.

On a Black man, the beard is more than a cover-up for razor bumps…it is a statement.  We don’t have to be clean-shaven and softshoeing in order to operate in the white man’s world.  You must behold the beard and accept our dominance with the same deference shown to the Vikings or the extra strong dude from Superman 2.  You think twice about going toe to toe with a man with a beard.  The very hair growing from his face defies every contemporary American standard saying that in order to be a professional or to be trustworthy, you have to be clean-shaven.  There will never be another bearded president, for example.  Recent years are showing the beard coming back into popularity, though, with the likes of Rick Ross and Zach Galifianakis bringing the full, obnoxious Dan Haggerty beards back into prominence, bearded brethren everywhere are letting their facial hair flourish.

Stalley.

The Struggle

And now for an enlightening passage from Brother @NerdAtCoolTable on the necessary inspiration for natural beard growth:

The only way to have a real respectable beard is to have been through struggle.  This beard didn’t just appear.  I been through high school stress, relationship stress, parenthood stress,  scuffles, robberies and shootings.  You can look at a beard and tell instantly if it’s struggle-inspired. Cats wit the wavy, curly, pretty beard…never been through anything.  Dudes with the scruffy beard..that “you need to comb that” beard…earned it.

Grooming

You can’t just grow hair up out your face all willy-nilly, dawg.  Just like the hair on your head, you have to actually care for the hair on your face, specifically if you’re a Black man trying to grow a healthy beard. Put some time and effort into cleaning and maintaing your beard.  The same things a wise dude uses to keep the hair on his head in good condition are some of the same things a wise dude needs for his beard: shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer.  It’s important to be more conscious of what you put on your beard, though, as it is still your face.  If you’re one of those dudes that uses body soap on your face, you just need to stop and go get you some products.  There’s no shame in it and it’ll help you avoid looking 40 at 30.  But first things first, there’s no reason your beard should feel like a bunch of copper wiring.  Trust that she doesn’t wanna feel that on her body.

  • Clean – Every couple of days (shampooing every day will dry out the natural oils), lather up with some baby shampoo and if you have any conditioner for sensitive skin, that too.
  • Moisturize – Tea tree oil is great for hair, skin, and doesn’t leave buildup.  Massage the stuff into your beard down to the roots, then comb it out to the ends.  Wifey will appreciate it later on when she’s running her hands through it, trust.

Beard Trouble

Everybody wasn’t blessed with genes that allow them to grow a full beard.  Some can’t grow any at all and some opt for the 6 scraggly hairs on the chin a la T.I. — stop that.  I guarantee had he not wifed up Tiny, his beard would have been prospered.  It’s been scientifically proven that the quality of woman you’re with has a direct correlation to beard growth quality.  It’s also hereditary, but I digress.

  • Can’t grow a beard – Keep shaving anyway.  This should be done frequently.  Shaving stimulates what’s there.  It took me ’til about 23 or 24 to grow a full beard pattern, as in sideburns connecting to my goatee.  What changed was that I got into a semi-regular shaving regimen, having a barber take care of what I couldn’t at home.  Before I knew it, I was bearded, bro.  Invincibility was achieved.
  • Patchy beards – If your facial hair resembles Pangaea, just start from scratch.  Shave it low and keep up a shaving routine until you start to see it even out.  Remember, some people won’t be able to grow the fully, so you may need to opt for a chinstrap or a goatee.  No shame in that…still in the family.
  • Razor bumps – There are a number of depilatory products like Magic Shave (smells like brimstone and despair), but I think a lot of guys just don’t use the right products.  The Art of Shaving or The Grooming Lounge are great spots for good men’s shaving items: pre-shave, shaving cream, after-shave lotion, etc.  Professional shaves are great as well, but if you’re a hands-on guy, you may want to learn how to use a straightrazor yourself.  Plastic disposable razors are made for the majority of hair (read: white me n’s hair) and isn’t designed for Black men’s hair, which grows hooked under the skin, causing irritation when pulled out at the wrong angle or without the proper chemicals to loosen the hair first.    Always use a hot cloth on your face prior to shaving (or a hot shower) to open up your pores and splash with cold water afterward to tighten them up.
  • Front-Free Beard Tip: Once I got serious about growing my beard, I stumbled upon a great product intended for regular hair which really worked to increase growth.  Go get this:

My Personal Grooming Setup

Womenfolk On Beards

If you’ve been reading this beardless, you may not care about any of this…or you’re just being a little bitch about the situation and frontin’ like you don’t.  Your girlfriend/wife cares, though.  There’s a lot to be said for a man willing to let his beard grow, not to mention keeping it maintained.  It shows an attention to detail coupled with a boldness no woman in her right mind can deny.  In a nutshell, beards drop drawls, dawg. Just read what the ladies have to say.

There’s just something about face-fur that is simply luscious.  Yours could actually use a trim…

– The Mrs.

Honestly, beards are the new Colt 45.  They work every time.

– @BitchUJusMad

I have several guilty pleasures in life. I drink far too much wine, laugh when babies fall, cuss when its not even fucking neccessary. But nothing compares to the feeling I get when I see a lush, full, impeccably trimmed beard on a sexy man. Especially if it frames a delicious set of lips.
Something about the visual just screams “Have a seat here!” “Enjoy the ride!”…well, don’t mind if I do. It doesn’t matter where I am; work, book club, church (Lord forgive me). Just a glimpse of a full beard presses play on the naughty thoughts in my mind.

– @MsCarlaIfUNasty

I love beards. Well-groomed, clean cut beards & goatees. It’s not an accessory to a man, it’s a statement. Not that the beard doesn’t make the man attractive it just makes him stand out more to me. Salute to the men who keep it up.

– @Sumayalina

A well-maintained beard takes time & effort, which is endearing. The beard is mysterious & just visually appealing.

– @SheBAWSE

Beards are masculine. They are a throwback to Grizzly Adams hunter-gatherer types. I only expect my lady 2 have a baby face…

– @moniquealicia

Beards are so manly. It’s like they show how much testosterone a man has or somethin. Plus my daddy has a beard.

– @Amazing_Aura

The way it feels when my bf’s beard hits that spot on my neck>>>>>the rapture

– @HnySuklChocolat

We’re just winnin’.  Check out The Beard Bible for all things beardly.

Welp.

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11 Comments

  1. So you just don’t have any love for the corporate brothers who can’t rock their tribal face gear!? Its cool man….but on the real, NOT being able to exhibit a well maintained beard is the one thing I hate about the corp.world. I remember being in high school and trying every urban legend to stimulate beard growth. The most I got was irritated skin and an upset girlfriend (dont ask). But fellas, never underestimate the power of running a bit of stubble down her spine to the small of her back. Viva la CHINSTRAP STUBBLE!
    -@InEyeAleE

  2. I mean, I don’t see what kind of job you could work for where they wouldn’t allow a Black man a goatee or well-kept chinstrap situation. I wouldn’t want to work for any such company that was that concerned with my facial hair situation, especially if it was groomed well and kept reasonable. My current beard incarnation I understand may not work, but I’m currently in the IT field. I used to be in high-end retail and jewelry, so I was required to keep any facial hair very low and meticulously shaped up, which is why I started using the straightrazor at home. Check the employee handbook…there may be a clause in there saying how facial hair should be maintained…I highly doubt there’s a all out ban on facial hair. The babyface doesn’t work for everyone…I personally don’t really have a very defined jawline without a beard, so I’ve always kept some kind of goatee or chinstrap beard.

  3. A full, Sunni-beard…..is EVERYTHING! Around my part of town (Philly), to not have a full beard is like having NO LIFE! And niggas look like a totally different person w/ a full beard. As a matter of fact, niggas look better!!!

  4. This is the best beard article i’ve come across. I have a fully grown (Sunni) beard as well somewhere in between Rick Ross’ and Stalley’s. All the beard articles for grooming I’ve come across have been only useful for caucasions. Im going to buy all these products on youve listed on here, thanx akhi salam

  5. Sad that the “Corporate America vs. Black Male” grooming struggle is still an issue. What I have come to learn is the managers & leadership in the workplace are not as traditional as let’s say 15-20 yrs ago…in part because they are a bit younger and more progressive in understanding that cultural ineptitude is NOT A GOOD LOOK. It also helps that our brothers in the force aren’t as fearful of growing facial hair, dreads, etc. Black men look, style and maintain differently than our white conterparts however we still maintain a level of excellence and professionalism in the workplace. The companies I’ve worked for had to accept this because I wasn’t fearful of them or their ignorance. I rock dreads, beard and my work as a Manager in Finance is never “affected”. Not sure if there has been issues “behind the scenes” (thus why some of us are fearlful of growing beards, etc) but I have come to learn the model for a professional appearance in the workforce has to be addressed where needed. This is an excellent article brother!

    @iamseanhood

  6. Teachin these young negroids how to raise their beard spiritual pressure.

  7. Ive always wanted a beard since I was a child. Finally now that I am 23 I have a full grown beard. It took a lot of work I must say but when I look in the mirror I feel that I have accomplished a great feet. Being black and grooming facial hair has always been a pain for me as well. Razor bumps are still a problem whenever I shave, though I can say the severity has diminished. This Beard Bible is very helpful for the youth struggling for identity in a white mans world.

  8. Great post, purchased all the products listed here and am waiting for them to come in. I’m really excited about the gro treatment, as i have a good shape but a bit thin in spots…looking to get a full lustrious beard that any respectable man can be proud of. Any updates any time soon would be great @therodzilla

  9. Jaime Woodard
    Age 41

    What you love about your beard?

    I love the way my beard contours my face. It has professional and distinguishing characteristics, for example there is just enough silver that complements the black, as well as the presence of maturity my beard bestows. My beard profiles a true sense of the high regard I have for my appearance. It speaks of grace, well groomed maturity and self acceptance. I want to end by saying my beard exudes a level of masculinity, sexuality and an air of confidence. Some may hide behind it but I think it actually sets me apart from other men with beards.

    My lady wants me to post a pic how can I do that.

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